Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Nonviolent communication is something that has made my life so much easier and my friendships so much more meaningful. I am so excited to share this with my fellow students and our professor!

NVC - What is it?
Nonviolent communication is a conflict-resolution and communication process created by Marshall Rosenberg. It involves thinking about conflicts in two general aspects: Feelings and needs. If there is a conflict, we can solve it by first identifying what we are feeling and what needs are not being met that are causing that feeling. Marshall Rosenberg’s process is part of the larger practice of nonviolence that was used and endorsed by Martin Luther King Jr. and Mahatma Gandhi.

Nonviolent communication is choosing not to use violence in speaking with others. The violence, in this case, is judgement and harsh words. This extends across all cases and scenarios, even with people whom most would consider cruel, horrible people, like rapists or murderers. The concept is that violence only breeds more violence, and to change others behavior, we must first understand them, empathize with them, and help them.

Why do we do it?
Nonviolent communication can be incredibly powerful for conflicts with friends, family, and coworkers. Additionally, it can encourage those in power to understand our needs, embrace our ideas, and change their positions and ideals.

How do you do it?
People need all their needs to be met or need sufficient empathy to fully hear the requests of others. We appreciate when others show they understand our worries and can empathize with us. We are then more likely to do things to help them just because we want to. Conversely, when we are busy, anxious, or stressed, we sometimes shut down or become unreasonable when someone asks something of us. Especially if that person is openly showing judgement. Coming into a conversation believing that what the other person is doing is wrong is the best way to guarantee they keep doing it.

Come to conflicts by first understanding your own feelings and needs:

• Are you feeling anxious because you need to get your work done today?
• Are you feeling sad because you are needing companionship?

Give yourself empathy by understanding that those feelings are normal and those needs are legitimate.

Then guess and ask the other person what their feelings and needs are:

• "Are you feeling tired and irritated because you are needing rest?"
• "Are you feeling frustrated because you are needing choice and autonomy?"

The other person will either tell you no, and you can take another guess, or they will usually tell you exactly what they are feeling. Then show that you want to empathize with them:

• “So you are feeling stressed because you need to do well on your test? I can understand that, that is a really important exam. I want you to do well on your test as well. I would love to help you accomplish that while meeting my needs as well.”

Then tell them what your feelings and needs are.

Finally, you can try to come up with a resolution that will meet both of your needs. It is vital you go through all of these steps first, or the other person may not understand that you are truly trying to empathize with them and get their needs met. They may think you are just trying to get what you want.

Important Notes:

• Be careful not to use "feelings" ending in -ed. These are usually not feelings. ("I am feeling abused" does not say how you are feeling; it says what you think the other person is doing. A more correct statement would be "I am feeling hurt because I need respect and safety.") See the list of feelings for help.
• Be careful not to use wants instead of needs. This is especially obvious if it involves a particular person. ("I am needing your companionship" is not a need, it is a want. Companionship is a need, but it does not have to be with that person.) See the list of needs for help.
• If you are finding yourself coming to the conversation with strong emotions, take a moment and go back to step 1. You need to empathize with yourself and get your emotional needs met before you can properly communicate with another person about the conflict.

How can it help teachers?
This is a great tool to teach students, since it will be beneficial in every conflict, all the way to the end of the year/semester. It will teach students empathy and how to solve their own conflicts with other students (i.e. They will not have to even bother the teacher!) It is also a great strategy to use for self-relaxation and de-stressing when dealing with parents and administration. (Note that the technique of sharing feelings and needs is not always appropriate in certain work/political settings, so that communication may not always be possible with parents and administrators. It can still, however, help with your own emotional needs.)

There are even entire schools that utilize this technique. All of the staff practices the technique, students are taught it in school, and the parents are educated in it as well.

I believe this way of thinking is especially fitting for schools. Educators work under the assumption that all students can learn and are worth teaching. All students, even the most rambunctious, misbehaved, and rude child, can change and can succeed in the school system. I think this method is very important to helping teachers reach those students and help them succeed.

How can I learn more?
Watch this short intro video made by Brian Johnson: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg
Get Marshall Rosenberg's book: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
Check out NVC books for Educators: NVC in the Classroom
Jump into it and watch Rosenberg's 3-hour workshop on NVC Basics: NVC Marshall Rosenberg - San Francisco Workshop


There is so much more to learn beyond what I introduced today! Such as, why the four emotions of anger, guilt, shame, and depression are a result of unnatural thought patterns, and not just needs not being met? Or why Rosenberg says "There are no such things as harsh words or judgement"? His workshop goes into these and more enlightening ideas of NVC. I hope you guys check it out sometime!